Posted by Marcia Carole on Monday, January 30, 2012
Rose Watercolor, in process, Marcia Carole
It's Monday so it is chemo day for a few of us in the neighborhood, including me. As I head into my next time into the poison prison, I think back to last Wednesday. This past week, the pain became so intense that on Wednesday night, I thought to myself, "You really are going to die, Marcia. All this business about "beating cancer", miracles, is not happening for you." You might think, well, that was the Devil having fun with my mind, but I actually think it was my own internal despair.
I psychologically, spiritually, chemically pulled out of the despair, and a bit of my humor and hope returned by Saturday and Sunday. I incrementally got out of the dank, gray cement, spider-webbed basement of despair, and slowly, hands on each railing, pulled and climbed up the stairs into the first level of windows and light. I did not do this alone. I know God is the staircase out; my friends and family the railings. I did have to do my part, and I wasn't all that interested, at first.
It is possible, I'll be humbly back in that gray basement, of sorts, by Wednesday this week. The less than happy thoughts of death, defeat, even the "Hey, why not give into death" thoughts just might return by my personal mid-week exam. (I suppose that last thought might be the enemy of my soul, foul fellow that he is.) I'll need to remember; I'm not dead yet and start to climb.
For today, as I begin this next leg of the cancer marathon, I am holding onto Jesus in my heart and fragile mind. I'm upstairs in the cheery yellow of the first floor. He is the beauty of my life, just like the "bursting with layered color," giant, red rose above. Today, I am humbly trusting He will lift me out of the basement, in the end of this, and He will not only bring me up to the light, but out into a beautiful garden of color and delight. It may be in my garden in Seattle and even around the world; it may be in heaven. I'll humbly be where He places me.
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”