-Watercolor Sunflower by Marcia Carole
At 2:00 a.m. this morning, the searing pain in my head got my full attention, yet again. I’d tried to ignore it off and on for a couple of hours, fading in and out of sleep. Praying. Pleading. As I lay, sandwiching my head between two pillows, it struck me yet again on this cancer journey, “I am really, really, really not in charge of my life.” God keeps waking me up, for some odd reason, to “help” me to internalize this lesson. Is that the only time He can get my full attention? Could I negotiate?
As a follower of Jesus, it’s been a life long struggle between He and I, but, to be honest, I don’t have much fight left. Cancer does that. At least, reading all the books about cancer does that. (I want to throw all those books about cancer against the wall and leave them in a heap, but that is another blog. It includes anger and venting and leaving a mess by the wall.) I digress. Forget the books, the bad headaches help with the letting go.
The loosening of my grip over my sole authority over me, and giving it up to Him, began back when I was 19. I came to know, through you know who’s “waking me up,” I had some serious heart darkness, shall we say, but I also understood I am loved by you know Who. So began my journey with God, asking Jesus to be my rescuer. Yes, I’ll take His righteousness for my heart of darkness. Thankfulness colored everything during our first days together.
It would be another year before I clearly understood that His love encompassed my will in such a way, that I needed and wanted Him to be Lord, master, Head Guy of my life. And that is when the real struggle began because I am, possibly like you, really deeply and passionately entrenched in being my own master of my own universe. (Maybe you aren’t?) Well, I might have some extra trust issues, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. My grip was fairly extensive.
As the years have gone by, the battle has come down to where my loyalties lie. Trust is wrapped up in this. Am I going to believe I am central, most important and most trustworthy for decisions in my life, or am I going to believe my Maker, my God is central, most important and most trustworthy? Is God, the Creator of the universe and lover of my soul – worthy of all my loyalty, praise, honor and passion? Every minute of every day?
God is winning this battle as God of my life, and that is a really good thing. It is perfect, right, appropriate. Each day, I believe more deeply He is God of my life, and I am not. He has created a colorful canvas of situations, encounters, experiences and friendships to help me know this truth. Like the sunflower I have painted, I desire to look up to the Son, wholeheartedly trusting Him with my life. So, I think we can wrap it up with the headaches. Whoops! I just tried to take over again.
“Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival.” (A.W. Tozer in The Pursuit of God)