When I was in Nicaragua for a couple of months, living and working in the little town of Los Cedros, I helped some women share their stories through art. One woman, seen above, shared some of her story in the three panels you see. Life was good at the beginning of her story, then, she had serious loss as a child, represented by the butterfly in the second panel. She ended up in a situation/relationship where she felt totally trapped, emprisoned, as seen in the third panel.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like her third panel – trapped in a place I don’t want to be. My body and my emotions are foreign to me, and I would like to escape them, but I can’t. They are acting weird, especially my emotions. Recently, I’ve noticed I can’t recover easily emotionally, when something goes wrong or seems to go wrong. When someone does or says something slightly insensitive, accidentally wrong or if I do, Sorrow comes upon me and parks like a pile of gray Seattle clouds trapped between the Olympic and Cascade Mountains.
For example, the other day, someone gave me advice on what a friend did for cancer, implying I should try it. Well, they love me and are well intentioned, but I take it as one more thing I should do or try. I think, maybe if I don’t do it, I will miss out on killing cancer cells. Then, maybe I’ll die from cancer. Worse still, I caused it because I didn’t do what I should have done – something mentioned by a loving friend. (I’m just being honest here.) I know God has my days numbered, but maybe this advice is part of His plan. I then feel overwhelmed and Sorrow comes in and parks.
I go to sleep hoping I’ll be my cheery self again in the morning, and I often am, but before I know it, something slightly bad happens, and I go into a tailspin emotionally. Then, I just want to crawl back into bed and hide from my own emotions that are eerily out of whack. However, there they are! Right under the covers with me. Along with big, bad Sorrow.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil. Job 3:26
Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
May I please have some rest from my whacky emotions, Lord?